Dr. Laura Schleisinger [hilarious]

Traditional theology denounced

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. … I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them. Leviticus 25: 44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21: 7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual “uncleanliness”—Lev. 15: 19–24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord—Lev. 1: 9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11: 10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination? Lev. 21: 20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/ 20, or is there some wiggle-room here? Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19: 27. How should they die? I know from Lev. 11: 6–8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19: 19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/ polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24: 10–16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20: 14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan. AJC
P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian.)
[Dr. Laura Schleisinger had her own radio talk show]

I remember like it was yesterday

Heal Yourself

I remember like it was yesterday

I remember thinking that I can’t believe 2 opposite things: (I) I was sick (2) I was the image and likeness of God. I remember the excruciating pain as I tried to get up. I remember the awful feeling of failure. Then I remember trying again, even harder. I was filled with so much joy when I could feel all the pain leave my body and I arose healed!!! 😀

Issues in Christianity – a growing list from a survey among friends

OUR NEXT BOOK

THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT BELIEFS FLOATING AROUND OUT THERE THAT IT BEHOOVES US TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE WHOLE PICTURE. Can you add to this list (I’m hoping to collect about 300)?
• If you say the Sinner’s Prayer, you’ll be saved. 1-2
• God doesn’t remember sins. 3-4
• AD70 was the end times. 5-6
• Prayer doesn’t have any innate power. 7-8
• The Gifts of the Spirit have ceased to exist. 9-10
• Paul’s contribution doesn’t agree with Jesus’. 11-12
• There are certain people who God cannot love. 13-14
• The Holy Spirit lives on the inside of everyone. 15-16
• Jesus is coming again. 17-18
• Jesus has come many, many times. 19-20
• The Bible is inerrant. 21-22
• If you don’t speak in tongues you’re not really saved. 23-24
• You can’t be saved unless you are baptized with water. 25-26
• If you don’t give, you’ll not be blessed. 27-28
• When you get to heaven you will be healed of your handicap. 29-30
• Women shouldn’t wear pants or be ministers. 31-32
• God is Love. 33-34
• Jesus is the Messiah. 35-36
• Paying tithes buys a seat in heaven. 37-38
• No dancing should be allowed. 39-40
• No music should be in church building. 41-42
• No music should be in worship. 43-44
• All music in church must be acapella. 45-46
• Women must not preach. 47-48
• Women must not lead in singing. 49-50
• The Holy Spirit talks to us all the time. 51-52
• God is omnipotent. 53-54
• God is Omnipotence. 55-56
• Jesus is Lord. 57-58
• God is Lord. 59-60
• Hell is real. 61-62
• Hell exists only between our ears. 63
• Jesus is the only way to God. 64
• Jesus is one of many ways to God. 65
• Jesus is God. 66
• Jesus is not God. 67
• Satan is real. 68
• Demons are real. 69
• The devil is real. 70
• Neither Satan, the devil nor demons are real. 71-73
• Hypnotism is a useful tool. 74
• Hypnotism is dangerous. 75
• There is no forgiveness for suicide. 76-77
• Homosexuality is unforgivable. 78-79
• Women must cover their heads in church. 80-81
• Women must not wear pants in church. 82-83
• Gambling is a sin. 84-85
• Adam had no authority over sickness or disease. 86-89
• Faith in Jesus precludes impossibilities. 90-91
• The faith OF Jesus precludes impossibilities. 92-93
• Christians will be raptured before Armageddon. 94-95
• Redemption is only good until the next time you sin. 96-97
• Sanctification is ongoing. 98-99
• We must get all of our sins “under the blood”. 100-101
• If you keep sinning even though you believe, you will go to hell. 102-103
• If you keep sinning, you open the door to demons. 104-105
• We should talk about peace-making a lot. 106-107
• We should act as peacemakers whenever we can. 108-109
• We should never make blanket statements. 110-111
• We should look at the full counsel of God’s word and not just a passage or two. 112-113
• We should look for consistent patterns throughout the whole of the Scriptures. 114-115
• The Holy Spirit goes to God on your behalf. 116-117
• Being good will not get you into Heaven. 118-119
• Jesus came to heal a sinful and sick world. 120-121
• Grace is a license to sin. 122-123
• God puts sickness on people. 124-125
• God controls every little nit-picking thing that happens on earth. 126-127
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OUR NEXT BOOK

Issues in Christianity