Category Archives: Humor – remember that? LoL

English axioms retold!

ORDINARY ENGLISH: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
MPOMBO: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Twinkle, twinkle, little star
MPOMBO: Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: All that glitters is not gold.
MPOMBO: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Beggars are not choosers
MPOMBO: Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Dead men tell no tales
MPOMBO: Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Beginner’s luck
MPOMBO: Neophyte’s serendipity.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: A rolling stone gathers no moss
MPOMBO: A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Birds of a feather flock together
MPOMBO: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Beauty is only skin deep
MPOMBO: Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Cleanliness is next to godliness
MPOMBO: Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

To tickle your funny bone

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
Mark Twain

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before..

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.
RL

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
RL

When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef…
Wayne Card

Complex problems often have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Mike Carter

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Mike Carter

What IS Victoria’s secret?

I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out… the way to get to Sesame Street… why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps… why we don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”… why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed… why “abbreviated” is such a long word… why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons… why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections… and, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going to… can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane… why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune… why did you just try to sing those two previous songs… and just what is Victoria’s secret?

Blond men jokes

LIKE BLOND JOKES?

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife
shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what
to do; it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
——————————————————————————————————————————

A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

The blond man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

A blond man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy!” he replies.
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.

“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.

“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.

“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
=================================================================================================================

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”

The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asks: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time
you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the blond man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.

EVER WONDER…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavor?

Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why they call the airport “the terminal” if flying is so safe?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators but we haven’t met yet.

Like a psychopath!

What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section? Mike Carter

U.N. General Assembly prep

This is downright scary!
Sitting in Hammarskjold Park
Minding my own business
As I am wont to do (lol)
When I reached into my bag
To retrieve a container of coffee
No fewer than four
Count them … 4 !!!
Uniformed police officers
With fingers on their shotguns
Four of them there are
Watching me – just in case ….
I wanna take a photo for you
But it might cost me
A night in jail :'(
(Could be fun….!)

IF ENGLISH WAS MADE BY sir MPOMBO, simple English would have taken the following form…….

ORDINARY ENGLISH: People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
MPOMBO: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Twinkle, twinkle, little star
MPOMBO: Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: All that glitters is not gold.
MPOMBO: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Beggars are not choosers
MPOMBO: Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Dead men tell no tales
MPOMBO: Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Beginner’s luck
MPOMBO: Neophyte’s serendipity.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: A rolling stone gathers no moss
MPOMBO: A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Birds of a feather flock together
MPOMBO: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Beauty is only skin deep
MPOMBO: Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
*
ORDINARY ENGLISH: Cleanliness is next to godliness
MPOMBO: Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

Ain't that the truth?
Ain’t that the truth?
Mama not happy
Grateful choices

Have you heard about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog!

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors… it’s just something I see myself doing!!

I got a chance to conduct an orchestra today. Had more fun than you can shake a stick at.

Four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

♤♡◇♧◇♡♤♡◇♧◇♡♤♡◇♧◇♡♤♡◇♧◇♡♤♡◇♧◇♡♤

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl who had just started to read her book replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh I don’t know,” said the atheist, “how about why there is no God or no life after death”, as he smiled smugly?

“OK,” she said, “those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass, yet the deer excretes little pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies “do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God or life after death when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

I did it !!!!
I did it !!!!

Titillation

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Russ Lewis

People who live in glass houses are one busted water-main away from People who live in aquariums.
RL

The first rule of “Condescending Club” is really kinda complex and I don’t think you’d understand it even if I explained it to you.
RL

There are two words in a person’s life that will open a lot of doors for them… PULL and PUSH

It’s all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory.

Thank you for calling the hug hotline. Please hold.
RL

What if there’s no such thing as the Placebo Effect, and instead, sugar just actually cures everything?
RL

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a normal pigeon.

I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

The whole US Postal service is a fraud! There’s no way a letter can get from one place to another, because envelopes …

… are stationary.

It helps to be an enlightened mail.

NmmThere was this man working at a brick factory for years. Everyday he would leave with a wheelbarrow full of hay. The security guard would stop him, do a full search and find nothing.

Years later, the security guard saw the man and said, “I know you were smuggling something all those years, what was it?”
The man answered, “Wheelbarrows.”

I was so unpopular growing up, I had an imaginary bully…
Mike Carter

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone at church…
RL

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
RL

Don't be so shellfish!
Don’t be so shellfish!

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog!

I had something witty to say. And now it’s gone. Oh well your loss.

Lol. Just musing. This may be the first time (exception JFK and LBJ) in a while when moving in to the White House is downsizing.