Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before..

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
Mark Twain

The atheist at his funeral is all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Anybody know what
Newer dogma is?
Dogma newer?
Dog manure.
.
hahahaha!

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I’m feeling about as useful as a traffic signal in Grand Theft Auto…

○●□■□●○•○●□■□●○

Experts have found the following analysis to be nearly 100% accurate.

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out… the way to get to Sesame Street… why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps… why we don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”… why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed… why “abbreviated” is such a long word… why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons… why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections… and, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going to… can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane… why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune… why did you just try to sing those two previous songs… and just what is Victoria’s secret? …and do you really think I am this witty ?? … I actually stole this from a friend, who stole it from her brother’s girlfriend’s uncle’s cousin.

Did you ever go into a shoe store and say “I want those shoes, but I don’t want the tongues? Lol !! Praying in tongues is the most wonderful gift of the Holy Spirit.

Good morning Facebook Peeps
I have PMS, ADHD and OCD. I want to kill you, but I can’t focus on that now…..I have to go wash my hands…….😎

QUESTION: HOW MANY PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB ?
.
ANSWER: ONLY ONE. YOU JUST HOLD THE BULB IN POSITION AND
….. THE
………. WHOLE
…………… WORLD
……………….. REVOLVES
……………………. AROUND
………………………… Y O U !!
.
(It’s time to dump all selfishness, pride, arrogance, self-seeking.)
Proverbs 13:10 KJV
Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.

Mike Carter
The devil is a toothless, no kingdom, wannabe loser with no future.

Going about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. He saw Robin Starbuck, he’s still looking…

Robin
That’s prolly the nicest thing anyone has EVER said to me Mike Carter!!!! LOL

YOU’RE A WINNER !!
FROM THE VERY BEGINNING . . .
THERE WERE A MILLION
DIFFERENT SPERMS
COMPETING FOR THAT EGG CELL
AND . Y O U . W O N !!

. . . . .

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil.

. . . . .

turnaround
WHAT DOES ‘REPENT’ MEAN ?
EVEN THIS :
IF YOU’RE PETTING A CAT
AND ITS HAIR STANDS UP
SIMPLY TURN THE CAT AROUND.

. . . . .

I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

I . DID . A VERY . COURAGEOUS . THING . TODAY:
I OPENED MY WINDOW AND PUT MY HEAD OUT !
……………….. Snow, sleet, rain and freezing rain
slapped me in the face from the north AND the
south, east AND west, from above, beneath
& both sides, showing no mercy – Right!
Left! . Up! . Down! . The threatening
wind was blowing so furiously
that I began to wonder
about the wisdom
of my having
opened my
window.